I Thought I Was Just Anxious — Until I Learned What Tokophobia Was
Alexia healed her own tokophobia and developed the method she used to do it – and has helped women clear theirs for over 10 years.
For most of my life, I lived with a deep, unspoken dread I couldn’t quite put words to. Pregnancy and birth weren’t just a distant “not for me” thought – they were loaded, tangled knots of fear buried so deep that even I didn’t recognise what was really going on. To the outside world, I was simply “not maternal.” Inside, I felt like something was wrong with me, but I’d learned to keep that fear well out of sight. Why does this matter? Because what you feel — that bolt of panic or creeping anxiety when someone talks about babies, that sense of being trapped by your own body — it’s not weird, and it’s not just you. There’s a name for it: tokophobia. And until I discovered that, I spent decades feeling broken and alone. I wanted to share my heart in this companion post to our latest episode: Tokophobia and Anxiety Disorders: Understanding the Roots with Phobia Specialist Chris where JJ and I sit down with phobia expert Christopher Paul Jones.
If you’re living with the fear of pregnancy, birth, or those hidden anxieties no one else seems to understand, please know this – you’re seen here. This conversation is for you.
What You’ll Hear In This Episode
In this episode, we explore what makes tokophobia so different from everyday fears, how it gets tangled up with general anxiety, and why so many women never realise this is what’s driving their decisions — until it takes over. Together with Chris, we discuss the difference between a phobia and a fear (and why that actually matters), the layered anxieties that come with reproductive transitions like puberty and pregnancy, and the ways shame and secrecy can keep us from seeking the help we deserve. But I won’t spoil it for you — I want you to experience the hope and clarity that comes from hearing these conversations for yourself.
Themes That May Resonate With You
1. The Line Between Fear and Phobia — It’s Not Just Semantics
We talk about the difference between “normal” fear and a full-blown phobia. Chris explains that a phobia is more than dislike or nerves. It’s an immediate, visceral reaction that bypasses all logic — your body goes straight to panic, whether the threat is real or not. If you’ve tried to talk yourself out of your fear, or been told to “just relax”, you’ll recognise the frustration of this. The insight here? There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t reason your way out of it.
2. Tokophobia Is More Than One Fear
Many women try to pin their feelings on a single phobia — the birth, the pain, the “unknown”. But for so many of us, tokophobia is a cluster of anxieties: fear of change, fear of losing control, fear of your body betraying you, fear of parenthood, fear of not coping, fear of being trapped. Chris describes it as a “stack” of anxieties along a timeline — and that complexity is exactly why you feel so overwhelmed. You’re not making it up. You’re not being dramatic.
3. The Role Of Early Life Experiences — It’s Not All About Pregnancy
One of the most powerful insights from this episode is the link between reproductive anxiety and other big changes in our lives — like puberty, trauma, or even our own birth. The feeling of your body changing without your permission, of not knowing what will happen next, can repeat in cycles throughout your life. If you’ve ever felt out of control, or struggled in other medical or body-related situations, this might ring a bell. It did for me.
4. Hidden Shame and the Power of Naming It
We dig into why so many women hide their fear — even from themselves. For years, I dismissed my own terror, thinking, “Everyone’s anxious, right?” or “Maybe I’m just not the mothering type.” Both Alexia and I only realised we had tokophobia after the fact, when it was almost too late to make sense of our reactions. There’s so much power in being able to name your fear, and even more in finding a community that’s been through it too.
5. Healing Is Possible — And Often Quicker Than You Think
Chris shares that when we get to the root of our fear — even if it’s buried under decades of coping — it absolutely can shift. You’re not stuck forever. What your mind learned (out of survival) can be unlearned with the right support and understanding. This was true for me, and I want you to know it’s possible for you, too. If This Resonates… If you’re reading this and nodding along — if you’ve ever felt flooded with anxiety at the thought of pregnancy, avoided certain conversations, or simply wondered, “Why am I like this?” — please listen to this episode. There’s nothing weird about you. You are not alone in your fear, and you deserve answers that empower, not shame you. We also talk more about what’s missing in traditional approaches to treating tokophobia, and why society’s silence around these fears keeps so many women in the dark. There are resources and communities waiting for you, and it all starts with being willing to look at your story with compassion. 🎧 Listen for Yourself This post is just a snapshot. To get the full experience and hear our stories — and expert insight — in our own voices, please listen to the episode. It might just give you the language to describe what you’ve been feeling all along. And if you want to go deeper, we reference two white papers in the episode — including The Case for Reproductive Anxiety Disorder and Fear Sells (But It Doesn’t Serve) — that shine a brighter light on tokophobia and why change is needed. You’re not alone in this. You’re not too much, too sensitive, or too “different”. There’s space for you here. 👉 Listen to TT Ep10: Tokophobia and Anxiety Disorders: Understanding the Roots with Phobia Specialist Chris P.S. If you know someone struggling with pregnancy or birth fears, please share this episode. Naming these fears is the first step to healing — for all of us.
Where to go from here
Understanding what you’re dealing with is the first step. The free Tokophobia Test takes about five minutes and tells you what you’re facing – no pressure, no scare tactics.
When you’re ready to stop carrying this on your own, the Tokophobia Support Circle is a small monthly community where women who understand make sense of it together, with a live group call each month. For focused one-to-one help, there’s the Tokophobia Support Programme.
Both are run by our partner site Fearless Birthing – founded, like Fear Free Childbirth, by Alexia Leachman. You can also read Alexia’s books, Betrayed By Your Biology and Fearless Birthing.
About the author: Alexia Leachman overcame her own tokophobia – and in the process developed the Head Trash Clearance Method, the approach she now uses to help women clear their fear of pregnancy and birth. For over a decade she has worked with women around the world and trained perinatal professionals to do the same. She is the author of Betrayed By Your Biology, a book on tokophobia and reproductive anxiety, host of the Fear Free Childbirth podcast, and is often described – by the women she works with and by the podcasts that invite her on – as a world expert on tokophobia. More about Alexia ›
Fear Free Childbirth is a publication and is not a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re struggling to cope or in crisis, please contact your GP, midwife, or a qualified professional.
Read next:
- Tokophobia: everything you need to know
- 7 signs of a woman with tokophobia
- I don’t want kids – do I have tokophobia?
Alexia supports families planning pregnancy and birth. She helps them to overcome their fears and feel calm and confident about birth and pregnancy.
Alexia also trains birth professionals in the Fearless Birthing, a unique approach to birth preparation that is ideal for those who have fears around birth.
- 16.5% of Women Fear Birth Enough for It to Shape Their Lives: The Numbers - 14th July 2026
- When Fear Takes Over: The Abortions We Don’t Talk About - 30th September 2025
- Tokophobia and Relationships - 22nd July 2025